When Everything Comes Out Wrong.

There are days when I feel like I’m speaking a language no one understands. Not because I’m quiet, but because everything I try to say comes out sideways. Sharp. Defensive. Angry. And I hate that. I hate that I sound like someone who’s mad at the world when really, I’m just scared I’ll never be enough for it.

Even when I have the world’s most patient partner, someone who shows up with grace and gentleness, I still find myself spiraling. Not because of them. But because I can’t seem to show up the way I want to. I hold grudges too long. I snap when I mean to cry. I withdraw when I mean to reach out. And then I sit with the guilt, wondering why I can’t just be a normal person. A functioning person. A person who can juggle more than one thing without feeling like the sky is falling.

I skip appointments. I leave laundry in the washer for days. I stare at my to-do list like it’s written in a foreign script. And then I hear someone say that being a stay-at-home mom is “easy,” and I feel like I’m failing at something that’s supposed to be simple. I feel like I should be able to do this with a smile and a Pinterest board. But instead, I’m overwhelmed by the weight of every small task. Every expectation. Every moment I don’t get right.

And the resentment builds, not toward my partner, not toward my children, not toward the life I’ve chosen, but toward myself. For not being able to keep up. For not being able to express what I need without sounding like I’m falling apart. For not being able to explain that I’m not angry, I’m just drowning.