The Push–Pull of Faith in Hard Seasons.

There’s a rhythm I’ve started to notice in myself, one that only shows up in the harder chapters of life. It’s this strange push–pull dynamic in my faith. A part of me wants to cling to God with everything I have, and another part wants to pull away and protect myself from disappointment. Both instincts show up at the same time, and both feel real.

I used to think strong faith meant always leaning in, always trusting, always feeling steady. But the more life I live, the more I realize that faith in real time is rarely that clean. It’s a movement. A tension. A back‑and‑forth between what I know about God and what I feel in the moment.

When Your Heart Moves in Two Directions

In difficult seasons, I feel myself reaching for God because I know He’s my anchor. I know He’s carried me before. I know He’s the only place my soul actually finds rest.

But at the very same time, there’s this instinct to step back. To question. To wonder why things unfold the way they do. To wrestle with the parts of Scripture that promise God’s intentionality, like how He knits children together in the womb, and try to reconcile that with the reality of pain, loss, or confusion.

It’s not rebellion. It’s not lack of faith. It’s the human heart trying to make sense of divine mystery.

And I’m learning that God isn’t threatened by that tension. He meets me in it.

What These Seasons Reveal

Hard seasons have a way of exposing things I don’t see when life is smooth. They show me:

- where I’m still afraid to trust

- where I’ve been relying on my own understanding

- where my faith is more fragile than I realized

- where I need God more deeply than I knew

These moments aren’t punishments. They’re not signs that God has stepped back. They’re places where my faith is stretched, refined, and strengthened, not by pretending everything is fine, but by being honest about where I’m struggling.

How This Shapes My Marriage Too

This push–pull doesn’t just affect my relationship with God. It shows up in my marriage as well.

When life gets heavy, I feel myself wanting to lean into my husband for support, and also wanting to retreat into myself so I don’t feel like a burden. It’s the same dynamic: reach and recoil, closeness and distance, longing and fear.

But these seasons have shown me something important: love grows in the tension. Not because we handle everything perfectly, but because we keep choosing each other in the middle of it. We keep showing up. We keep trying. We keep learning how to hold space for each other’s pain and faith and questions.

And that, in its own way, strengthens my faith too.

Choosing to Stay Rooted Even When It’s Messy

I’m realizing that faith isn’t proven in the moments where everything feels clear. It’s proven in the moments where nothing does, and I still choose to stay in the conversation with God.

For me, staying rooted looks like:

- letting myself ask the hard questions

- trusting that God can handle my doubt

- remembering that Scripture doesn’t promise a life without pain

- believing that trials can draw me closer, not push me away

- choosing connection over isolation, both with God and with my husband

Faith isn’t a straight line. It’s a relationship. And relationships have tension, movement, and growth.

I’m learning to honor that instead of fearing it.