Day 3: Shifting Self-Image - Losing and Finding Who You Are.

This post is part of a 10‑day series exploring the nine criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), followed by my personal diagnosis story. These posts are educational in nature and rooted in lived experience - they are not intended as tools for self‑diagnosis.

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Who Am I?

It’s a question most people ask at some point.

But for those with BPD, it’s not just a question. It’s a constant unraveling.

The DSM describes this as “markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self”.

But that doesn’t capture the lived reality of it. The way your identity can feel like a costume you keep changing, hoping one will finally fit.

You might shift your values, your goals, your style, your tone, not out of manipulation, but out of survival.

You might mirror the people around you, not because you’re fake, but because you’re trying to belong.

You might feel like a stranger to yourself, even in moments of calm.

What This Looked Like For Me

I didn’t know I had an unstable self-image.

I just thought I was adaptable.

I thought I was “finding myself” …. over and over and over again.

But underneath the changes was a deep, aching confusion.

I didn’t know what I liked.

I didn’t know what I believed.

I didn’t know who I was when no one else was watching.

Some days I felt like I was too much. Other days, not enough.

I could be confident and capable one moment, and completely worthless the next.

It wasn’t just mood swings, it was identity swings.

I got told by my son’s father that I change myself for the person I’m with.

My husband, very early on in our relationship, said that it seems like I don’t actually know what my beliefs are. He tiptoes in conversations about opinions so that I can form my own because he KNOWS that I’ll just adapt whatever viewpoint he has.

What Helped

• Noticing the shifts. I started tracking when I felt most like “me”…and when I didn’t. It’s still a work in progress. I still barely have any answers to who I am. But we’re making progress.

• Therapy. Especially learning how to build a stable sense of self that wasn’t dependent on how others saw me. (This one is the hardest. I care TOO MUCH about how others view me. Even with therapy. Once, I told my therapist TMI before telling her something because I felt bad. Crazy, right?)

• Values work. Naming what actually matters to me. Not just what I thought should matter.

• Gentle curiosity. Instead of asking “Who am I?” I started asking, “What matters to me?” and letting that be enough for now. Once I can truly say what matters, then I can say things like, “I’m a generous, faith-oriented person who loves helping those around me.” (So basic, but it’s a better start than my “I have no clue” or “Well, I’m a mom” that I gave my therapist almost a year ago.)

If You Relate

You’re not lost. You’re not fake. You’re not broken for not having a fixed answer to “Who are you?”

You’ve learned to survive by shifting.

You’ve learned to stay safe by blending in.

You’ve learned to adapt, and that’s a strength.

But you’re allowed to come home to yourself.

Slowly. Gently. Without needing to explain.