Day 4: Impulsivity - The Urge to Escape the Moment.

This post is part of a 10‑day series exploring the nine criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), followed by my personal diagnosis story. These posts are educational in nature and rooted in lived experience — they are not intended as tools for self‑diagnosis.

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Sometimes, the hardest thing is staying still.

Not physically, emotionally.

Sitting with discomfort. Letting a feeling pass.

Letting silence be silent without trying to fill it.

Letting pain be pain without trying to outrun it.

The DSM describes this criterion as “impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).”

But impulsivity isn’t always loud.

Sometimes it’s subtle.

Sometimes it looks like saying yes when you mean no.

Sometimes it looks like quitting something good before it can go bad.

Sometimes it looks like chasing intensity just to feel something.

What This Looked Like For Me

I didn’t think I was impulsive.

I wasn’t reckless in the ways people usually imagine.

But I made decisions fast, especially when I was overwhelmed.

I’d spend money I didn’t have. (Got evicted because of this).

I’d ghost people I loved. (To my family, I’m so sorry.)

I’d start something new just to avoid sitting with what was hard.

But when I’m really, truly honest with myself. I also did a lot of unsafe things.

I had a lot of reckless sex. Trying to fill a void that I knew it wouldn’t fix.

I did drugs I had no business being in the room with. (And I’m lucky I didn’t get addicted to.)

I participated in street racing. The thrill was great, but the potential to have died or gone to jail never occurred to me until later.

I’m lucky that the actions I chose to participate in didn’t lead me down a worse path.

It was never about thrill-seeking, though.

It was about escape.

It was about trying to move the pain before it swallowed me.

What Helped

• Slowing down. Even just a 10-second pause helped me ask, “What am I trying to avoid right now?” I’m less reckless now, but I unfortunately still allow social media, stupid mobile games, overeating, and oversleeping distract me from whatever my brain is trying to process.

• Therapy. I know I have said this for every post so far, but I really mean it. Therapy has helped more than I realize sometimes. Especially when it comes to learning distress tolerance skills and learning how to ride the waves of emotion without reacting to them. (The non-reaction is hard, but I can name my feelings more often now.)

• Replacing the impulse. I started building a list of “safe distractions”. Things I can do that don’t harm me or others. (My husband hates that I play mobile games basically every spare minute, but it keeps me from being destructive.)

• Self-compassion. Understanding that the impulse wasn’t evil, it was a signal. A flare. A cry for help. And I could learn to respond differently. I have chosen not to be hard on myself for my past behavior, but to be grateful that my behavior never hurt me or anyone else. (As it easily could have).

If You Relate

You’re not reckless. You’re not selfish. You’re not doomed to keep making the same mistakes.

You’re someone who’s been trying to survive.

Someone who’s learned to move fast because stillness once felt unsafe. Someone capable of learning new rhythms. Slower, steadier, kinder ones.

You don’t have to outrun the moment.

You can stay.

And you’ll still be okay.