Day 5: Self-Harm & Suicidality - When Pain Looks for a Voice.
This post is part of a 10‑day series exploring the nine criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), followed by my personal diagnosis story. These posts are educational in nature and rooted in lived experience — they are not intended as tools for self‑diagnosis.
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Some kinds of pain don’t have words.
So the body speaks instead.
Sometimes through self-harm.
Sometimes through suicidal thoughts or threats.
Sometimes, through gestures that aren’t about dying, but about being seen.
The DSM describes this as “recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.”
But that language can feel cold. Clinical. Detached from the reality of what it means to live with that kind of pain.
Because for many people with BPD, it’s not about wanting to die.
It’s about not knowing how to live with the intensity of what they feel.
It’s about needing the paid to go somewhere. Anywhere else.
What This Looked Like For Me
There were seasons where I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to feel anymore.
I didn’t know how to hold the weight of my emotions.
I didn’t know how to ask for help without feeling like a burden.
I didn’t know how to explain the ache that lived under everything.
Sometimes I used words.
Sometimes I used silence.
Sometimes I used my body. Not to punish it, but to externalize what felt unbearable inside.
It wasn’t attention-seeking.
It was connection-seeking.
It was a desperate attempt to say, “I’m not okay,” when I didn’t know how else to say it.
It was hard to manage.
As a teen, I self-harmed and got yelled at because my mother thought it was just a way for me to seek attention.
When in reality, I needed comfort, not a lecture.
I still struggle.
Suicidal ideation, they call it.
But for me, it’s like daydreaming.
Every single detail is vivid.
But I’d never act on it. I have my kids and husband to live for.
So instead I write about it.
What Helps Me
Being believed. The first time someone didn’t minimize my pain or panic at my honesty, I started to heal.
Learning emotional regulation. Through therapy (and trust me, 11 months hasn’t been long enough yet), I’ve begun to build tools for staying with my feelings instead of fearing or fighting them.
Safety planning. Having a plan for when things get dark, who to call, what to do, and how to interrupt the spiral.
Faith and future. Remembering that I am held. That this moment is not the whole story. That I am not alone in the dark.
If You Relate
You are not attention-seeking.
You are not weak.
You are not beyond help.
You are in pain. And pain deserves care, not shame.
You are allowed to ask for help.
You are allowed to stay.
You are allowed to heal.
If you or someone you love is in need of emergency help, please call your local authorities. If you or someone you love needs help, advice, or non-emergency help, please check these resources. & never forget that you always have a space here.
